I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
try to milk me bitch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
