I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
