Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
