I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
