if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
