So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
