What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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