After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
