I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
