never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
