shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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