There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
