I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
