I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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