Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
