he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
