sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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