dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
