i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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