i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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