How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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