awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
