I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
