Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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