my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
