70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
