Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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