Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
