See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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