the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
