if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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