After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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