Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
