I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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