I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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