So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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