i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
