My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
