We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
