Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
