oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
