You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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