note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
