This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
