Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
