Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
