if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
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