Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
