i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just pee around me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
