dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
