where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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