I wannas sexs uuuuu
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
