I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
