I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
