if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
