I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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