After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
