Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
