So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
