do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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