I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
