Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
