2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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