Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
