totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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