I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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