i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
